


Confirmation

by poland



Series: Statues Built From Snow Shall Melt [1]
Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Awkward Kissing, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 13:20:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4836815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poland/pseuds/poland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even though it was chaste and natural, he still felt a little queasy about how often he’d come across the idea of kissing Lalli.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confirmation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jellycho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jellycho/gifts).



> For Micho who is a beautiful being and whose feelings are important to me!!!

The problem was always that for as many times as Emil could understand Lalli there were just as many times where he simply could not figure the guy out. Sometimes it was like they clicked on some weird level that even Emil didn’t understand, especially considering they couldn’t literally understand each other at all. That was the part he liked best and found a special attachment with. How many people could say that they were spiritually connected to someone that strongly and not even speak the same language? But it wasn’t as if that didn’t cause some flub ups sometimes. More than anything he felt like there were just moments where he was getting…mixed signals? It was hard to put a name on a vibe and feeling he didn’t really get himself.

It was often that Lalli would hang around him without being prompted, which even Emil knew was a big change compared to how Lalli was when they’d first met. And maybe he was a little different too. Maybe he wasn’t as pompous. Maybe he was a little vainer than before, mostly because he would rather faint than have Lalli see him in duress yet again. It definitely wasn’t different in a bad way, though. But their relationship, at least he felt, was definitely not ordinary.

Behind closed doors, Emil would have to admit to the fact that he wasn’t a relationship expert. Hell, he wasn’t even a friendship expert. Still, even he had a little bit of trouble understanding where certain aspects of this connection they had fell. They’d been on the mission for a while now, about a month, and while he even he knew that that was a short amount of time to develop feelings for anyone in, it was a little unexplainable what else to call what was happening. And he often wondered if this situation was on both sides; if Lalli was also confused. If they spoke the same language then this would be easy. “Do you like me?” “Yes” or “No.” Over and done. It could be done, but Emil didn’t enjoy having Tuuri be the middle man in something private like that.

“Please ask your cousin if he likes me. In THAT way, please.”

Nope, not happening.

There wasn’t a lot of alone time to think while on board or out amid the ruins, so Emil often spent some restless minutes considering these ideas in bed. He wasn’t sure how HE felt or how to think about this. He wasn’t sure how Lalli felt or if he even understood what was happening. Maybe he was just missing something, but every time he thought about their time together he couldn’t help but feel like there was something there. Something that went a little bit beyond the bounds of what normal friends did for each other. He couldn’t deny he’d thought about things; sort of mundane fantasies that made him happy.

Having money again and being able to give Lalli real food, not anything with half a raw carrot still floating in it. Mikkel had found it in him to give Lalli another round of cookies the other day and Lalli had crawled out from under Sigrun’s bunk to sneakily leave one on Emil’s thigh while he was sitting down and pulling his gear out, patting it as if to say ‘Here’s a present for you’ before sliding back to eat the rest noisily. Or being in a real house and sharing a blanket like he’d done for Lalli the other day when he was shivering after being bathed.

Emil would refrain from any comment or thoughts on the whole naked bathing thing. He was a man of dignity, after all.

One of his biggest flaws, though he’d never admit it, was being a little bit too obsessed with how other people saw him. So the idea of not knowing just where he was in Lalli’s life was concerning, and that just made the feelings of ‘Does he like me how I like him?’ even worse. They had moments of being alone together- well, as alone as they could be with people not very far away but still not in the direct vicinity. They’d had two missions where they were paired explorers; that was about as actually private as privacy got. This mission would be their third together as a duo meant to explore a dilapidated mansion that was said to have a lot of room for books but also just as much room for trolls and nests.

Thankfully Lalli had learned his lesson from the first time they were paired together and was now right next to Emil most of the time they were exploring. They’d finally hit the jackpot, discovering a room full of similarly covered and thick books. Lalli seemed completely at ease so Emil was completely at ease, though the proper term would be ‘ecstatic’.

“Can you believe this? Sigrun will be thrilled!” Emil ran his hands along the shelf edge, looking at the large quantity of perfectly preserved tomes. He turned to look at Lalli who was scanning them himself, though obviously unable to read anything. “Lalli, we should tell her and take some. Can you lead us back to this room?” He pointed to the floor and made walking fingers, hoping he got what he meant with them and context clues. Lalli simply stood and stared at him before taking a seat on one of the plush couches also in the room, his gaze never leaving Emil.

“No, no.” Emil came over as well and took a seat next to him, hoping maybe the close proximity would make him understand. “We.” He motioned between the two of them. “Should get Sigrun.” He pantomimed the shape of her hair. “And come back.” He pointed at the ground. Still nothing.

With a sigh he reclined. “You win. We wait…for whatever it is you’re waiting for.”

Lalli sat back a little himself but kept his eyes wide and scanning. Emil had learned to live with his mage and scout tendencies, no matter how weird or unexplained they were. Not that they were the only unexplained thing going on here. Like why it was so nice to just sit together, even if what they were sitting on smelled like mildew and dry grass, which made the wheels in his mind start turning again: what exactly was there to be explained?

Emil actually thought about something that he WOULD consider to be undignified, or at the very least unprofessional, and it had honestly been what swayed him to the side of maybe needing to examine where his own feelings were. Even though it was chaste and natural he still felt a little queasy about how often he’d come across the idea of kissing Lalli. Never anything major or intense, just simple lip-on-lip kisses, or maybe lip-on-nose, or even lip-on-cheek. Lip-on-scalp if he was feeling daring. Again, he wasn’t an expert, but he was pretty sure that crossed out of the “friends” territory and into the realm of “something else”. It just wholly depended on if Lalli thought about those same things when he was alone or had the time if it mattered or not.

And, well. They were alone now, weren’t they?

He sat up and rubbed his hands together nervously, watching Lalli stare at the door out of the corner of his eye. Lord knows where Sigrun was, and it wasn’t like she would care much anyway if they talked for a second, would she? Not that it would really be talking. Though one good part of Lalli not being able to understand a word he said and not being big on talking himself was that Emil could bare his soul and Lalli would only have a vague inclination of what he meant based on his tone and visual cues.

“Lalli,” he knew he’d at least understand that word, and Lalli did turn to look at him. “Do you ever think about…?” Emil couldn’t say any descriptors out loud. Part of him was kind of embarrassed and the other half didn’t want Sigrun to hear anything if she happened to barge in. Instead, he made a hand motion from himself to Lalli, back and forth. ‘Us.’ The mage obviously didn’t get the memo and simply blinked a few times with a cocked head and eyebrows lowered.

“What I mean is. Well, I’m not really sure what I mean exactly. But you know. Don’t you think we’re a little…?” He didn’t want to say weird because there was no way that he, Emil Västerström, was weird. But the word he wanted to use wasn’t coming to him. “Do you ever think about…?”

Gods, this was pointless. He couldn’t ask and be answered with words. Until the language barrier between them was broken, if it ever would be, they would be at a verbal impasse. It was then that the idea occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, he could ask this question in the most basic, physical way possible.

No. No, no, no. That would be horrendous. He could never live that down. A hug would suffice.

But hugs could be misinterpreted as friendly with no extra meaning. If he got a hug back, that would be wonderful. Excellent! But it wouldn’t answer things the way a kiss would.

His face must have contorted and gone through several different emotional highs and lows by the way Lalli was looking at him intently but with a worried mouth and glaring pupils. In his reality he knew that there would be no real answer without a risk. Maybe he was being over-dramatic about this (though he found that to be highly unlikely,) but this was important and he needed answers.

He grabbed one of Lalli’s arms which also made his friend look at his action and then back to his face, studying him for what could be going on. Emil grimaced and looked to the door before quickly looking back at Lalli. “Please, please, please don’t hate me for this. Please!”

It was extremely clumsy and not at all how he imagined it, mostly because when he imagined it happening the scenario was much different. There were no moldy couches with weird fungal offshoots growing from the legs or air that had dust and spore particles floating around in it. He also didn’t know how it felt and couldn’t come up with a sensation to replicate it with, but he was pretty sure the other person wasn’t supposed to be rigid and lean away while it was happening. But he did it. He kissed Lalli and he felt the hard force of his teeth clinking against his friend’s teeth, even with just lips, but he felt invigorated and good about it nonetheless.

Emil lingered too long, but Lalli didn’t pull away. It would be accurate to say Lalli didn’t really do anything at all. When Emil finally threw his head backwards he was excited, smiling, and completely through the roof for no reasons other than adrenaline and glee. “Do you get it?” He nodded emphatically to try and drive the point home. “What I’m talking about?”

Lalli’s face was one that was still with wide eyes, but that was barely different than how he looked at anything new and largely strange. Emil watched and waited for him to relax and change his expression. For something to happen, something positive. But Lalli simply looked the other direction with narrowed eyes and put his hands on his face in shock.

Well. He ruined it. He ruined it, he ruined it, he ruined it. Emil’s head was in his hands, palms covering his eyes and seeing blackness, trying to erase the vision of what he just did. He saw it like an out of body experience and it was laughing at him, humiliating him further. He didn’t know what was worse: feeling like an absolute moron or feeling like Lalli had to be uncomfortable or even loathe him now. “I’m sorry! I’m really sorry!”

Emil looked up to try and plead his case with his hands, wondering how he should describe this sensation in gestures and body language and saw Lalli had begun to look back at him with a hand covering his mouth and expression softened. He was laughing at him in his own Lalli way, he had to be. Emil groaned loudly and put his hand back on Lalli’s shoulder. “You don’t have to rub it in of all things!”

His brash movements were simply met with blinks and eyes that lowered in thought while still hiding the lower part of his face. What Emil thought might be easy confirmation just turned into an even more complicated issue. How was he going to physically fix this if not with words? And not to mention what he would say to his cousin… Oh lord. He would say something to Tuuri and Tuuri would say something to Reynir and Reynir didn’t know how to stop talking (even if Emil didn’t understand anything he said either) and his screw up would be everywhere come tomorrow. His life was over. Did he dare pantomime a finger over his lips as a plea of silence? Would Lalli even honor that now that things were completely over? The fingers that rest on Lalli’s shoulder squeezed tightly and desperately, begging instinctively. Emil truly felt like he could cry, Sigrun and the mission be damned.

Lalli’s next move surprised him as he mimicked what Emil had done just a second ago by putting his hand on his shoulder and squeezing, though much lighter. It wasn’t a passionate squeeze, but more like a reassuring one. Emil softened instantly but his pulse was still throbbing through him and his anxiety was nowhere near gone. This at least made him feel a little bit better about Lalli hating him. Maybe it was pity instead. That didn’t feel good, but it felt better than being absolutely despised or made fun of. Actually, it made him sad. It was then Emil realized that underneath that hurt and discomfort and worrying prickle that was nudging his stomach over and over, what was really upsetting him was that he felt like he’d just been rejected.

He felt his face fall but tried to finally regain composure while Lalli stared at him, hand finally away from his face and revealing his usual expression minus the concern in his eyes. Emil had had enough of a meltdown. He didn’t need to make things worse, and maybe that was actually the first good idea he’d had that day. He smiled softly and gently shook the hand still resting on his friend’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m fine.”

Lalli wasn’t happy with this reaction though, as his eyes narrowed and he frowned just slightly, taking his other hand to squeeze Emil’s other shoulder too. In surprise, Emil dropped his own hand and held them both up, unsure of what Lalli was trying to do other than be very forcefully reassuring. “I swear it’s okay! Let’s just get back to the mission, alright? The mission?” It fell on deaf ears and he knew it, but maybe he would understand his tone if anything.

Though he guessed not by the way Lalli tilted his head and looked at him with a curious stare, which made Emil feel like he was being studied like some kind of lab animal. He laughed nervously on instinct and didn’t break their gaze.

Even staring directly at Lalli he didn’t see the next part coming at all and it felt like it happened completely in an instant. Lalli’s face was right next to his, not something he hadn’t experienced before, and it was held there with eyes intently looking at him. It was as if he’d been driving a fast vehicle and suddenly slammed on the breaks, waiting for the right moment to go again. When he did, the returned kiss was very light and quick, almost unrecognizable as even a kiss, but Emil thought that if he compared both of them to how he wanted a kiss to be, Lalli had definitely done a better job than he had.

And then it hit him: Lalli had actually kissed him back.

Lalli was gone as quickly as he’d come in and Emil put his hands on his own mouth in disbelief. He couldn’t help but laugh hysterically for a second with eyes wide and watery. The emotional rush was too much for him, going from one side of the spectrum to the other. Lalli just smiled his small smile and let go of his shoulders, but only after he rubbed one of them as a sign of understanding, and that’s really all Emil wanted. But he also wanted to kiss him again. Not a romantic kiss, but the kind you give to someone after you feel like nothing could ever make you unhappy again. And why couldn’t he? He’d kissed Lalli, Lalli kissed him. Why couldn’t he repeat the sentiment as a full sign that he did understand. They understood each other.

So he did and tried to be better this time, to replicate the sensation of being light while also being long. Lalli didn’t freeze this time, but it was also apparent that he had no idea about what to do, either. Emil didn’t care. Maybe they could figure that out later. If he could kiss him once, twice, and then three times, he could probably kiss him a hundred times. Emil had absolutely no complaints about that idea.

His excitement was probably what kept him from hearing the approaching sound, even though he felt Lalli tense up and try to move, but it was too late. The door was opened and Emil had never moved so quickly in his life. The force with which he threw himself away from Lalli was enough to send himself roughly against the arm of the couch with Lalli barely clinging to the opposite side and half on the floor.

“Woah-oah-oah.” Sigrun replied with hands on her hips, closing the door behind her with her foot and a somewhat stern expression on her face that couldn’t completely hide how amused she was. “I don’t care what you kids do, but try not to do it on mission time, okay? Especially when you could end up troll food.”

Emil’s face immediately became hot and he felt like he was going to pass out from emotional whiplash and stress, but he couldn’t say he wasn’t still more happy than not.


End file.
